For most of my life, survival was my full-time job.
I navigated childhood chaos, violence, loss, fear, and uncertainty. Somehow, I kept moving. I raised children, worked, went to school, and carried responsibilities that often felt heavier than I was. I learned how to function in crisis. I became so good at surviving that I didn’t realize how much it was costing me.
Then, something unexpected happened.
Life became calm.
After Dennis and I got married in 2015, the constant chaos that had defined so much of my life began to settle. For the first time in years, I wasn’t living in immediate survival mode. There were no major emergencies. No abusive relationship to escape. No daily crisis demanding my attention.
I should have felt relief.
Instead, my body began to fall apart.
It started with dizziness.
At first it was occasional. I would suddenly feel off balance, as though the ground beneath me had shifted. Sometimes it felt like I was floating. Other times it felt like I was moving even when I was standing still.
I mentioned it to Dennis, but neither of us knew what was happening.
As the weeks passed, it became a daily occurrence.
The dizziness triggered anxiety. The anxiety triggered heart palpitations. My heart would race, my chest would tighten, and I would wonder if something was seriously wrong. But anxiety was familiar territory for me. I had lived with fear for so long that I almost expected it.
What wasn’t familiar were the strange visual episodes that came next.
One day my vision suddenly changed. I saw flashing lights and strange distortions. Parts of my sight disappeared. I couldn’t understand what I was seeing.
I was convinced I was having a stroke.
Terrified, I called an ambulance.
The emergency room doctors ran tests but couldn’t tell me exactly what had happened. Everything appeared normal. I left with more questions than answers.
The episodes continued.
Later I would learn they were ocular migraines, but at the time I had never heard of such a thing. All I knew was that my body felt unpredictable and unsafe.
Then came the day that truly scared me.
I was driving to the pediatrician when it happened again.
The visual changes started suddenly, and panic rushed in behind them. My thoughts immediately went to the worst-case scenario.
What if this really was a stroke?
What if I died?
What would happen to my children?
The fear overwhelmed me.
I passed out cold.
Once again, I found myself being rushed to the hospital.
Once again, doctors searched for answers.
And once again, no one could fully explain what was happening.
What I didn’t know then was that my body was carrying decades of unprocessed trauma.
For more purchase my book Where the Chaos couldn’t follow. Coming soon
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